Two Wolves - 18/19
Jun. 11th, 2011 06:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xantheficEverything is exactly as it was when he left all those months ago. The same orange walls, the same familiar smell, the same faces walking through the hallways. Those faces turn to look at him as he passes, and he can hear the whispers echoing in his wake.
He ignores them and strides confidently into the squad room. This is his domain. He’s ruled this place for years, and nobody is going to steal that from him. He’s Leroy Jethro Gibbs, and this is where he belongs.
He walks over to his desk and sees McGee glance up, look down, and then glance up again immediately. Ziva’s head swivels at the same time, and the two of them share a look of surprise.
“Uh…um…good to see you, Boss. Are you…here to see Director Vance?” McGee stutters.
“Nope. I’m here to work.” Gibbs sits down at his desk and frowns when he sees it cluttered with all kinds of things that don’t belong on it. He grabs his wastebasket and sweeps Tony’s Mighty Mouse stapler, a pair of socks, an old photograph of a very ugly dog, and various other sundry items into it. Then he gets up and deposits the wastebasket on Tony’s desk.
He can feel the gaze of the entire office on him. Ziva’s jaw is hanging open, McGee’s eyes are popping out like they’re on stalks, and the surrounding personnel are all pretending to do their filing while sneaking surreptitious peeks at him out of the corners of their eyes. The entire office is deathly silent.
Gibbs stops, very slowly and deliberately, in the centre of the squad room, knowing that everyone is looking at him. Good – that’s what he wants.
“Sit rep, McGee! What are you working on?” he demands.
“Uh, we just wrapped up with Agent Fornell a few days ago. Tony is still there, but I think he finishes today.”
“You *think*, McGee?” Gibbs rounds on him.
McGee flushes. “Uh…um…no, I know…he said he’d be back later.”
“What else? David?” Gibbs turns to glare at her, and she sits up straight and beats out a verbal report in response to his tone.
“Director Vance was waiting for Tony to return before sending us out to work cases. Until then we’re writing up our reports. We got a little behind because there was so much going on, and we were working such long hours at the FBI,” she admits.
“Then if you’re behind, get back to work,” he commands. “I want those reports on my desk by the end of the day.”
He has no idea if that’s fair or reasonable; he just needs to exert some authority. This is him, back to normal, just the way they want him to be. He’s not the beat-up man from the pit who took one punch too many, but Leroy Jethro Gibbs, back at work, same as ever, business as usual.
He sweeps from the room, suppressing his limp the way he did in the pit. He can’t show weakness here anymore than he did back there. They are both his arenas, and he will dominate them both by the sheer force of his will; he’s good at that.
He buys a Caf-Pow and takes it down to Abby’s lab. She’s standing at her workstation, hopping from one foot to the other in time to the blaring beat of her music, and it’s such a familiar sight that it stops him in his tracks.
“What am I looking for? What am I looking for?” Abby mutters, staring intently at her screen as she moves her mouse around at lightning fast speed.
“Maybe this?” Gibbs enters the room silently and holds up the Caf-Pow in front of her face. It nearly goes flying as she shoves it to one side and throws her arms around him.
“Gibbs! Nobody told me you were coming back today! How are you? How have you been? You’ve been so naughty! I’m really cross with you for not letting me come visit! Tony said to leave you be, said you were like some old wolf, holed up until you got better. But I was not happy about that, Mister, let me tell you, and…”
“Abby…I’m fine.” He disengages himself from her bone-crunching hug and allows her to stand back and scrutinize him.
“Well, you don’t look too bad. But you’re kind of all…muscly.” She prods a finger into his bicep. “And I don’t like your hair,” she adds.
“It’s growing back.” He runs a hand over his short hair.
“It’d better! I liked my silver fox the way he was, with the softer belly and the longer hair!” She pouts.
“Give it time.”
She throws her arms around him again, squeezing tight. “I’ve missed you so much,” she tells him fiercely. “I mean, Tony is good, but he’s not you, and I like my team all together. I was so worried all the time and…”
“Abby.” He grabs her firmly and pushes her back. “I’m back now and everything is going to be just the way it was.”
“Promise?” Her green eyes are anxious.
He smiles and kisses her cheek. “Promise,” he says softly.
The ice firmly broken, he can feel the normality settle around him like a cloak as he leaves Abby’s lab, making him feel euphoric. This is proving easier than he’d expected.
Ducky is a more daunting prospect. He looks up as Gibbs enters Autopsy and gives him a stern glare over the top of his glasses.
“I wondered when you were going to make your way down here, Jethro. Word of your return has spread already, you see. The prodigal son indeed.” He makes a clicking sound with his teeth.
“You disapprove?” Gibbs raises an eyebrow.
“If your doctor deems you well enough to work then I suppose you are.” He pauses and looks at Gibbs searchingly. “Are you, Jethro? Are you really?”
“Yes, Ducky. I am,” Gibbs says firmly.
“Well then, I look forward to seeing you convince a certain someone of that.”
Gibbs gives a curt little laugh. “Vance doesn’t scare me.”
Ducky shoots him a withering look. “Oh, I wasn’t talking about our esteemed director, Jethro. I was talking about Anthony.”
“I can handle Tony.”
“Is that so?” Ducky’s eyes are as perceptive as usual behind his glasses. “Because I’ve seen a new side to Anthony these past few weeks, Jethro, and if you’re not careful, then he might very well be the one handling you.”
Tony finishes at the Hoover building just before lunch. On his way out, he passes a tall, handsome man in navy-blue chinos and a pink striped shirt. Tony is halfway along the hallway before he realizes who it is. He turns to find the man turning too, an expression of shocked delight on his face.
“Tony…is that you?”
“Greg?” Tony strides back up the hallway towards him, and Greg meets him halfway. “Greg!”
Tony grabs him and pulls him into a hug, which Greg returns, patting his back, both of them genuinely pleased to see each other.
Tony pulls back to look at him. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Greg, but I almost didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”
Greg laughs. “I was about to say the same thing! You’re looking good, Tony.”
“You too. I had no idea you’re such a snappy dresser! Love the Ermenegildo Zegna shirt.”
“Love the Berluti shoes.” Greg glances down at Tony’s feet. “Man, isn’t it great to be wearing clothes again?”
“Tell me about it! Uh, so…” Tony gestures awkwardly. “You’re…?”
“Oh, yeah – I’ve just been going through my testimony with Agent Fornell’s team. I’ve been here a few times now, so they trust me to find my own way to the cafeteria for lunch. Want to join me?”
“Sure, I don’t have to get back to NCIS right away.”
They find a quiet table in the corner of the cafeteria to eat.
“So, how are you doing, Greg?” Tony asks, as he takes a forkful of spaghetti.
“Not too bad, considering. I’m going back to work next week.”
“You’re a personal trainer, yes?” Tony remembers one of the conversations they had back at Scott’s stable.
“Yup! I work in a gym. That’s why they targeted me in the first place. They took me one night – I’d been working late, and it was my turn to lock up.”
“How long ago?” Tony asks curiously.
“A year and a half.”
Tony looks up, shocked. “That long? You survived two whole seasons fighting?”
“Just about. Sometimes it feels like I didn’t survive at all. It feels like I’m still there, fighting for my life every week.” Greg gives a tight little smile.
“Yeah, I know the feeling. Hey, what happened to Matt? Is he okay?”
Greg looks down and then up again, his lips twisting bitterly. “Look, Tony, I’m gay. I knew I was gay from when I was old enough to understand what it meant, and I’ve been out and proud of it since I was sixteen years old. The gym I work at is a gay gym. The reason I got my job back so quickly is because my ex is the manager there, and we’re good friends.”
“Uh, okay.” Tony wonders where this is heading.
“And Matt isn’t gay.” Greg shrugs. “He’s straight, and I’m a complication he doesn’t want in his life. He made that clear from the minute we were rescued.”
“You were in love with him,” Tony says quietly.
“You know what that place was like. You clung onto someone…” Greg shrugs again. “Honestly, I don’t know, Tony. It felt like love at the time, but maybe it was just loneliness.”
Was that how it was for Gibbs, Tony wonders? Just loneliness? Wanting someone to hold onto at night? That, combined with the drugs making him so horny he didn’t care who he fucked. Maybe he’s been an idiot, and the way Gibbs is holding him at arm’s length right now is because he’s trying to extricate himself from an unwanted ‘complication’, just like Matt.
“How are you?” Greg asks. “And how is the old wolf? Is he still snarling at everyone?” He grins.
“He was badly injured in that final fight, trying to keep it going long enough for help to arrive,” Tony says quietly. “He’s getting better physically, but mentally and emotionally…I have no idea.”
Greg looks surprised. “But you two were so close.”
“Well, right now we don’t feel close at all. He barely talks to me. Maybe it’s like with you and Matt. Maybe it was just the drugs and the loneliness.”
Greg bursts out laughing and then trails off when Tony doesn’t join in. “You’re kidding right?”
“No, Greg, I’m not. I’m bisexual; I fell for Gibbs years ago, but he never gave any indication he was anything but straight, so I just, you know, worshipped him quietly from afar.” Tony gives a tight little smile. “And yes, I thought we had something back in Scott’s stable, but maybe I was kidding myself.”
Greg gives him an incredulous look. “Tony – are you insane? Gibbs nearly tore my dick off just for talking to you.”
“Like I said, the drugs…”
“No,” Greg says forcefully. “Listen to me, Tony – I will never forget the expression on his face when they were whipping you. He was out of his mind; anyone could see that. He lived every single one of those lashes with you, and it was destroying him to see you in that kind of pain and not be able to make it stop.”
“He hated me being hurt; doesn’t mean he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.”
“Then there was the way he looked at you, when he knew you couldn’t see,” Greg says, leaning forward across the table and gesturing insistently with his fork. “I saw though. There was this expression of the most intense love, pride, and worry on his face, all mixed up. I used to envy you and fear for you at the same time, being the focus of all that Wolfman intensity. All my life, I’ve wanted someone to look at me that way. Tony, that man loves you, passionately, and I think you’re the only one who could ever handle him. He’s one intense bastard.”
“Oh yeah.” Tony grins. “He’s definitely that.”
“Some people are perfect for each other. It just works, and that’s what I saw in you two,” Greg tells him firmly. “You balance each other out; you lighten him up, and he grounds you. You belong together. Trust me – I’ve seen a lot of guys in love, but never one as much in love as Gibbs is in love with you.”
It’s good to hear. He’s been getting so little back from Gibbs that he was starting to wonder if what they shared back in that stall was just a figment of his imagination. He remembers that kiss a few days ago, when it felt like he’d woken a sleeping wolf. Gibbs was as passionate then as he was back at Scott’s stable, before something spooked him, and he pulled away.
He swaps cell phone numbers with Greg and returns to NCIS, feeling better than he has in days.
“Hey – McGee! I’m back!” he announces the minute he walks into the squad room. “FBI work all done and boy, am I glad to see the back of that place. Much as I hate the orange…” he glances at the familiar NCIS walls, “I prefer them to that weird shade of puce the FBI has going on. So, what’s been happening here? Sit rep me, Probie!”
“Uh…” McGee gets up, flushing wildly. “I just gave a sit rep, Tony.”
“You did? To who?”
“To me, DiNozzo,” says a familiar voice behind him.
Tony whirls around, a shocked look on his face.
“You’re back? Boss,” he adds, his eyes narrowing as his sharp-eyed gaze rakes over Gibbs. Gibbs glances down at his familiar, workday clothes, the new ones he bought from Sears, and then back up at Tony.
“Yes, I’m back, so clear the rest of your junk off my desk. I need to go talk to the director.” He glances up at where Vance is standing above, gazing down on the squad room darkly.
“But…” Tony opens his mouth to protest, but Gibbs brushes past him.
“Now, DiNozzo,” he growls.
He runs up the stairs two at a time, feeling strong again for the first time in weeks. His body has healed, and his mind will do what he tells it. It’s that simple.
He strides into Vance’s office confidently, shutting the door behind him.
“Agent Gibbs, I didn’t know you were intending to return to work today,” Vance says.
“I’m fit to work, so here I am.” Gibbs shrugs. “Lot of catching up to do, so if you don’t mind, Director…”
“I do mind,” Vance says sharply. “Look, Gibbs, you’ve been through a hell of an ordeal. Before you can return to work, I need you to see Dr Bracco from Psych Services, just to make sure you’re fit for duty.”
“Me? See a shrink?” Gibbs laughs in his face. “C’mon, Leon! We both know that’s not going to happen.”
“Gibbs, it’s agency policy that any agent returning to work after the kind of trauma you endured, has to be cleared by Psych Services first.”
Gibbs shakes his head, chuckling softly to himself. “Is it agency policy to leave an agent out in the field alone too?”
Vance sighs. “Gibbs, if you’re going to have a problem working with me then that’s all the more reason for you to see Dr Bracco.”
“The only problem I’m going to have working with you is if you make me see some idiot from Psych Services.” Gibbs smiles sweetly. “I’m not the kind of guy who spills his guts to a shrink. I’ll tell her what she wants to hear, if it’ll make you feel better, but it’s a waste of time.”
Vance leans back in his chair. “If I waive this requirement…”
“Then everything can go back to how it was before. No hard feelings about you leaving me out there to rot.” He bares his teeth slightly at Vance, who shifts uncomfortably.
“Fine. Go back to your job. But if you’re not fit for work, then I’ll suspend you. Got that?”
“Got it.” Gibbs strides out of the office, grinning to himself. Wolves can be cunning when they have to.
It’s been a good day’s work so far, but he needs coffee, so he heads for the elevator. Someone falls into step beside him just as he reaches it, and a split second later he finds himself being shoved into it. He swings around and finds himself face to face with Tony just as the doors close, trapping them in the tiny space together – which is precisely what he’d been trying to avoid.
Tony immediately slams his hand on the emergency switch, bringing the elevator to a juddering halt. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he demands.
“Coming back to work.” Gibbs shrugs. “What does it look like?”
Tony’s eyes narrow. “Have you seen Dr Bracco?”
“Nope. No need.” Gibbs shakes his head.
Tony rocks back on his heels, a look of realization in his eyes. “You screwed one over on Vance to get out of it, didn’t you?”
Gibbs shrugs. “I’m fine, as you can see. I’m better than fine, Tony. I just needed some time to heal. No need to see some damn shrink.”
The expression in Tony’s eyes hardens. “If anyone needs to see a shrink, it’s you.”
“Why? So I can talk about my feelings?” Gibbs sneers. “What the hell use is that?”
Tony leans in close. “Right now, I’m not sure you have any feelings, Gibbs. I don’t think you’ve been feeling much of anything since you woke up in the hospital, and anything you do feel scares the hell out of you, so you shove it down and pretend it’s not there.”
“You’re talking crap, Tony. I’ve done black ops, and I’ve fought in wars. I’m not some little…” he waves his hand, looking for the right expression.
“Pussy boy?” Tony supplies for him, raising one eye dangerously, daring him to take the bait.
Gibbs glares at him. “I’m not a kid, Tony. I’m fine now. I’ve had a lot worse than what Walid’s little army of misfits put me through.”
“Really? Worse than being made to fight for your life every week? Worse than being imprisoned in a tiny cell for six months? Worse than being beaten and abused repeatedly? Worse than being made to shoot an innocent person in order to save three others? Worse than being repeatedly raped?” He pauses. “Worse than being made to eat all that healthy green shit and denied coffee?” he adds facetiously.
Gibbs stares at him blankly. “I wasn’t raped.” He made that vow to himself right at the beginning. Nobody was going to fuck him in the ass, and he made sure of that by winning every single fight. He clenches his fists by his side.
“Do you want to look it up in the dictionary?” Tony asks. “Because I’m pretty sure you’ll find the definition of rape is any act of sexual intercourse forced on a person. Or did you want to have sex with all those guys in the pit?”
Gibbs can feel his heart racing as images of himself fucking stranger after stranger in the pit crowd into his mind. It was no more than mindless, drug-fuelled rutting, and he feels a surge of anger and helplessness as the memories flood in. He knows he did those things, but right now, he can’t fathom how.
Tony is gazing at him intently. “You’re too hung up on who does what to who. I told you before; being fucked is good. You’ve seen how much I like it. You might like it too, if you gave it a chance. It’s not the act of penetration that makes it rape, Gibbs; it’s the lack of consent.” Tony moves in a little closer, so close that Gibbs can feel the heat radiating off his body. “You’re not a rapist, Jethro. Is that what you’ve been thinking? Because you fucked them, that made you a rapist?”
Gibbs finds he can’t move. He’s rooted to the spot as the memories replay in his head…and then get stuck on one in particular. He’s looking down on Tony, who is looking back up at him, his face bloody and bruised, his forehead beaded with sweat, and his eyes flashing with pain as Gibbs fucks him in the sawdust.
“No,” Tony says firmly, reading him like a book. “I told you at the time – that wasn’t rape. We’re not putting that label on it. You saved my life and yours by fucking me in the pit that night. Don’t you dare call it rape. If it was any kind of rape, it was them raping us, not you raping me. Understand?”
Gibbs closes his eyes, trying to block out that one memory as it keeps replaying in his head.
“You know what I think?” Tony says, and his voice is so close he has to be standing almost on top of him. “I think I made a mistake leaving you alone for so long. I think it’s given you a chance to shut down. And I think you only don’t want me around because I make you remember what you want to forget.”
Gibbs opens his eyes to growl out a reply, but before he can say anything Tony has him pinned against the elevator wall and is kissing him hard on the mouth. He’s still for a moment and then his body responds, his cock hardening for the first time in weeks.
He grabs Tony’s face between his hands and wrests back control of the kiss, returning it passionately. Tony’s scent, his taste, and the feel of his skin under his fingertips makes Gibbs come alive, and with the pleasure also comes all the pain he’s been blocking out.
He growls in frustration and tears himself away. It seems it’s not possible to have one without the other. If he wants Tony, then he has to have all the bad stuff too, and he doesn’t want that. But he wants Tony so bad, damn it.
Tony is standing in front of him, his chest heaving. “So he is in there, that white wolf of yours,” he says softly. “I knew he was. He just needs feeding. Let me feed him, Jethro.” He reaches out and brushes his hand through Gibbs’s short hair. “He’s hungry…let me...let me…” He leans in and kisses Gibbs again, gently this time, holding him close.
Gibbs feels as if he’s been starved for weeks. He’s too hungry for Tony to push him away, so he holds on tight, feeling some part of him grow stronger as they kiss.
Finally they come up for air, and he stares at Tony, wondering how the hell *this* fits into resuming his old life.
“Seems like the only way to get through to you is to lock you up in a tiny steel box so you can’t get away,” Tony says, with a twisted grin.
Gibbs sighs. “You’re making too much of this, Tony. I told you, I’ve been through bad stuff before, and I’ve handled it. Why the hell should this be any different?”
“Seriously? You’re seriously asking that?” Tony takes his face between his hands and gazes at him intently. “Because you’re an honourable man, and they made you kill. Because you’re a private man, and they forced you to fuck out there in front of all those people. Because you’re a good man, and they tried to make you into a bad one – and that’s how you’re feeling right now. Bad. And that's why you're trying so hard to shove everything down, so you don't have to feel that way.”
Gibbs pushes his hands away. “So you’re my fucking shrink now?”
“Look, I get the bravado. I’ve even done it myself – although admittedly your mask is a hell of lot more gruff and macho than mine. I bet you waltzed back in here like you owned the place and dazzled everyone with your…your…” He waves his hands in the air. “Your Gibbs-ness.”
Gibbs rolls his eyes. “You’re talking crap, Tony. As usual.”
Tony rocks back on his heels, looking at Gibbs thoughtfully. “See, people think you’re an unfeeling bastard, and that’s exactly the way you like it, isn’t it? You’re the big, bad wolf – nothing can hurt you, can it? But I think it’s the opposite. I think you feel things too much, and you have to control those feelings to stop them from eating you alive.”
“Fuck you,” Gibbs growls, torn between wanting to kiss Tony again and wanting to punch him.
Tony shrugs. “You have. Plenty of times. And I really hope you’ll do it again, but you have to open up and let me in on what’s going on in that thick skull of yours.”
“Why? You seem to think you have it all figured out already,” Gibbs says sarcastically.
“Just following my gut, like someone once taught me,” Tony throws back at him. “See, I just had lunch with Greg, and he reminded me…”
Gibbs feels a familiar surge of possessive jealousy. “You saw Greg?”
“Yeah – he was at the Hoover building today, giving evidence to Fornell. Why? Does that bother you?” There’s an amused gleam in Tony’s eyes.
“No,” Gibbs lies. “We’re done here, DiNozzo.” He slams his hand angrily on the elevator switch and it lurches into life.
“Oh, we’re nowhere near done, Gibbs,” Tony growls at him, slamming the switch back again. The elevator comes to another juddering halt.
Gibbs sighs and turns towards him. “What do you want from me, Tony?”
“I want you to be honest.”
“I am.”
“So you’re not jealous of Greg?”
“Nope.” Gibbs shrugs. “You can have lunch with whoever the hell you like, Tony.”
“And you’re totally fit to be back at work?”
“Uh-huh.”
“And you aren’t having any problems handling what happened to you during your six months at Scott’s luxury hotel?”
“Nope.”
“So you’ll be going over to the Hoover building to give your testimony to Fornell tomorrow?”
Gibbs flinches. Damn Tony for throwing out the sucker punch and taking him down with it. He never even saw it coming.
Tony gives him another of those twisted little grins and leans in close. “I told you, I can fight dirty too, Gibbs.”
Gibbs thinks of Ellis’s broken jaw and nose, and Walid sharing a cell with Mac. He’s all too well aware of just how dirty Tony can fight; he was an idiot to forget it.
“Especially when there’s something really worth fighting for,” Tony adds. He reaches across Gibbs and flicks the emergency switch. “Now we’re done,” he says.
As it turns out, nobody goes anywhere for the next few weeks because they catch a case.
And Tony can’t deny that it *does* feel good to have Gibbs stride into the squad room and tell them to “saddle up”.
“Dead petty officer in Rock Creek Park, Boss?” he asks, wondering what it’ll take to earn a head-slap from Gibbs these days.
“Nope. Dead lieutenant in an alley in Georgetown,” Gibbs throws back at him, and for a moment it’s just like old times.
It feels even more so, but in a darker way, when they get out there and find their lieutenant with a gunshot wound to the back of his head. Tony glances at Gibbs to find him glancing back at him. Is he remembering Steve, Tony wonders? Or Brian, Ben, Rajul or any of the others killed just like this?
If Gibbs is suffering, physically at least, Tony sees no sign of it. The man appears to be made of iron as he strides around, leading the investigation like the previous several months never happened. He seems to have lost none of his investigative skills and drive for justice, pushing them hard to solve the case, and Tony can see how relieved McGee and Ziva are to have him back.
Abby’s a different matter. When he takes some evidence down to her lab a few days later, she grabs his arm.
“What’s going on with Gibbs?” she demands, looking over his shoulder at the door and speaking quickly.
“What do you mean?” he asks cautiously.
“I mean, what’s the deal with him? He looks like Gibbs, he walks like Gibbs, and he definitely yells at you guys like Gibbs.” She gives a little grin. “But he’s not Gibbs.”
“You mean he looks, talks and sounds exactly like Gibbs, but is really a kind of pod-Gibbs?” Tony muses. “Did you ever see that movie? Man, that was a good one. ‘Invasion of the Body-snatchers’. A true movie classic.”
“Tony!” She thumps him on the arm. “Concentrate. I’m talking about Gibbs here! You must have noticed. I know the others haven’t, because, well, they’re not us, but you and me, we know him better than that.”
“Yeah, we do,” Tony says quietly.
“It’s like he’s someone just as Gibbs-like only more so…”
“You mean like a wolf in wolf’s clothing?” Tony gives a little grin.
“Exactly! That’s totally it!” She thumps him on the arm again. “And it’s not right! I want real Gibbs, not pretendy-Gibbs. Do something, Tony!”
“I’m working on it, Abby, trust me,” he tells her grimly.
“Then work harder! I’m afraid we’re losing him!”
“I won’t let that happen.” Tony shakes his head. “I’m getting there, Abby. It’s just hard because, well, he’s Gibbs, and he’s a stubborn bastard. I have a plan though.”
“You do?” Her eyes brighten. “Tell me about it!”
“Can’t, Abs. You’ll just have to trust me on this one. Let’s just say there’s a white wolf that’s starving right now, and I’m damn well gonna make sure it gets fed.” He rolls his shoulders, wincing as the muscles protest. His back is aching from several days running around and very little sleep, and his anxiety about Gibbs is just making it worse.
“And how are you, Mister?” Abby asks, prodding his chest.
“Me?” Tony takes a step back to avoid her pointy finger. “I’m not pod-Tony, Abs. I’m real Tony, promise.”
“I think you’re extra-topping-Tony,” she says.
“What does that mean? Is it good?”
“Yes! It’s like you’re Tony-Max. Or Tony-Pow!” She picks up her Caf-Pow and takes a long slurp. “I may have had too much of this,” she says around the straw.
“Ya think?”
“It’s been a long week, and I’m mainlining to stay awake. But you, Tony, you’ve got some new hard, shiny thing going on. I can’t place it, but it’s like you’re in love or something. Are you in love, Tony?” She peers at him suspiciously.
“Yes, Abby, but it’s not new.”
“Hmmm…I thought so! Not the walking on air kind of love, but more the ‘I know what I want, and I’m damn well going to get it!’ kind of love.”
“Whatever you say, Abs.” He leans forward and kisses her gently on the cheek.
“Now that! That was definitely not a pod-kiss!” She stares at him sadly and then pushes him towards the door. “Go save him, Obi-Wan DiNozzo! You’re our only hope!”
Being back at work is the ideal distraction. It consumes his every waking minute, so he doesn’t have too much thinking time, and it’s exactly what Gibbs needs. His body aches with the pressure of keeping going, but he’s used to ignoring his own physical needs, so that doesn’t bother him.
They’re so busy that he crawls home for a few hours each night, drinks half a bottle of Jack, and falls asleep on the mattress in the bathroom. He needs the Jack because it keeps the worst of the nightmares at bay. They still creep in, maybe one or two a night, but if he doesn’t drink before going to sleep then he gets hardly any rest at all. The bourbon takes him down and keeps him under, and he needs the sleep too much to question how he comes by it.
He tries to eat, but there’s a feeling of nausea in his belly that never goes away, so he doesn’t manage much. It doesn’t matter because he’s not hungry and when he does eat everything tastes like a combination of grease and cardboard anyway.
It’s a difficult case, and one that will take all of their skill and dedication to crack, so he pushes his team hard. They don’t seem to mind. In fact, he thinks they relish having him back so much that he could push them to the point of total exhaustion and beyond, and they wouldn’t protest.
At the end of the first week, Gibbs goes down to Abby’s lab to hear her latest report. She gives him that strange look she keeps giving him, and when he leans over to kiss her cheek she moves away. He frowns.
“Problem, Abs?”
“No! Just…” she shivers, rubbing her arms, which are covered in goose-bumps. “I don’t feel safe, Gibbs.”
“I know, there’s a murderer on the loose, but I won’t let him hurt you, Abby. You know that.”
“It’s not the murderer. I know you’ll catch him,” she says with a dismissive wave of her hand. “It’s this place.” She glances around the lab. “It doesn’t feel safe. It feels like there’s a scary wild wolf prowling around that could creep up on me at any moment.”
“Not a wolf that will hurt you though,” he says quietly.
She turns to him, chewing on her lip. “Maybe. I don’t know. I just don’t like it. It feels wrong. When you kiss me, it doesn’t feel like you anymore, Gibbs. It feels like it’s something you’re doing because you know it’s what you *do*, rather than what you want to do.”
He rolls his eyes. “I don’t have time for this, Abby; I have a murderer to catch.” He turns to go, striding towards the door.
“Come back to us, Gibbs,” she calls after him. “I miss you!”
He turns back towards her, a snarl on his lips, and is shocked to see her visibly recoil as if he truly is that wild wolf she just said she’s so scared of.
He gets into the elevator and just as the doors are closing, Tony suddenly appears out of nowhere and throws himself inside. The doors shut, and Gibbs clenches his fists. He’s managed to avoid Tony quite successfully for several days, by the simple expediency of barking orders at him and working him into the ground, and he doesn’t want a repeat of their last elevator conversation.
Tony turns towards him, and Gibbs puts up a hand.
“Forget it, DiNozzo. I don’t have time for this right now.”
“Not even for this?” Tony leans in close and kisses him gently on the lips. It takes him so much by surprise that he doesn’t have a chance to respond before Tony pulls away and a split second later the elevator doors open, and Tony walks out into the squad room as if that didn’t just happen. Gibbs blinks, staring after him.
A few seconds later, Tony stands in front of his desk and gives a verbal report, same as usual, not even a glint of anything in his eyes.
Two hours later, Gibbs finishes washing his hands and is about to leave the restroom when Tony emerges from one of the stalls, pulls him into it, and kisses him again. This time he puts a hand on Tony’s chest, intending to shove him away, but Tony’s lips feel so warm and good against his own that he finds himself pulling him close instead and kissing him back.
Tony draws back, a little smile on his face, and pats Gibbs’s cheek.
“I love you,” he says softly, and then he leaves. Gibbs is left, once again, standing there, wondering what the hell just happened.
Later that day, Tony squeezes Gibbs’s shoulder briefly when he’s sitting at his desk and then moves away before Gibbs can shrug off his hand.
The following day he stands just a little too close when they’re walking down to Autopsy, his arm brushing against Gibbs’s as they move.
They bring in a possible suspect for questioning, and Tony conducts the interrogation while Gibbs and Ziva watch through the observation room window. As Tony finishes he turns and fluently signs, “I miss you” at the mirror with his hands, before turning back, without missing a beat, and showing the suspect out.
“What was that?” Ziva asks with a frown.
“Just DiNozzo, messing about as usual,” Gibbs growls. Abby’s clearly been giving him signing lessons.
On his way home from work that evening, Gibbs is just about to get into his car in the parking garage when Tony appears from nowhere, pulls him into an embrace, and kisses him on the lips. It’s warm, gentle and loving, asking for nothing and giving everything. And then, just as Gibbs starts wanting more, Tony pulls away and leaves without saying a word.
The following day, when Tony gives Gibbs a file he lets his fingers linger on Gibbs’s hand a fraction of a beat too long, stroking gently, then moves his hand away just before Gibbs realises what he’s doing and starts to shake him off.
Over the next few weeks, Tony ambushes Gibbs repeatedly. He kisses him in the elevator, the conference room, the stairwell, and the parking garage. It’s not a long kiss – often it’s barely more than a sweet touch of lips on lips – and then he disappears as suddenly as he came. Each time he murmurs something in Gibbs’s ear just before he goes: “I love you”, “I want you”, “I miss you” – and each time Gibbs is about to tell him to leave him the hell alone, but Tony is always gone before he can get the words out.
Slowly, gradually, Gibbs feels something warm starting to stir deep inside. It isn’t much, but the knot of anxiety in the pit of his belly that he’s been ignoring for weeks slowly starts to loosen. He finds he can keep down a little more food and maybe he needs a little less Jack to help him sleep at night.
He starts to look forward to Tony’s surprise attacks, enjoying the fact that he never knows when they’ll happen. Tony doesn’t push. He doesn’t start another argument, or ask anything from Gibbs that he isn’t ready to give. He just reminds him, a dozen times a day, in tiny, brief moments, that he loves him.
Gibbs finds himself glancing at Tony across the room instead of avoiding his gaze, and he starts to see the tired lines around Tony’s eyes, and the way his shoulders are becoming more and more hunched as the case takes its toll. He finds his fingers itching to dig into Tony’s sore back and soothe out the stiffness.
Their murderer is a scumbag called Lance Briggs, and they trace him to a warehouse by the docks a few days later. He’s armed, dangerous and has left a trail of victims in his wake. Gibbs motions his team into position to flush him out of the warehouse, and a second later Briggs bursts out of the exit closest to where Tony is holding position and makes a run for it, shooting his gun wildly, with Tony in hot pursuit.
Gibbs feels a surge of an old, familiar protective instinct stirring inside. He charges after both Tony and Briggs, finding the energy from somewhere to run as fast as they are going, ignoring the pain in his knee. He rounds a corner and finds that Tony has brought Briggs down and is struggling with him.
Time seems to slow down, and in that moment, seeing Tony down on the ground, Gibbs’s heart suddenly bursts into life. It pounds painfully in his chest, full of fear, anxiety and anger. Gibbs is hardly aware of what he’s doing – he just explodes. He sprints the short distance to where they are fighting, yanks Briggs bodily off Tony, and plants his fist in the man’s face repeatedly.
He’s back in the pit, fighting for survival, using all his stored up anger and hate to win a fight he must not lose. His clothes are a hindrance, weighing him down, and all he wants to do is protect the person he loves most in the world and stop any harm ever coming to him. He couldn’t protect his mom, or his wife, or his daughter, but he can damn well protect Tony.
Suddenly he’s being dragged backwards off Briggs, whose face is a bloody mess, and Tony is pulling him away, talking to him in low, urgent tones.
“We’ve got him, Gibbs. It’s okay – we’ve got him…”
He calms down enough to see that Ziva and McGee are cuffing Briggs, shooting worried glances in Gibbs’s direction. They’ve never seen him like this before. Tony pulls him down the side of the warehouse, away from their startled gazes.
“Hey…it’s okay. I’m okay,” Tony tells him, rubbing his shoulders comfortingly.
Gibbs looks down on his own bloody knuckles and then up at Tony’s split lip and the red mark on his jaw. He grabs Tony’s face and holds it.
“You’re okay? You’re okay?” he asks repeatedly, checking Tony for signs of further damage.
“I’m fine. Ziva and McGee have taken Briggs to the car. I thought I should settle you down before we head back to NCIS. You were out of it back there.”
Gibbs gazes at Tony helplessly. “Thought he was hurting you…thought I was going to lose you.” He rests his forehead against Tony’s, breathing heavily.
“I’m fine. I can handle myself.” Tony’s hands caress his shoulders, warm and loving. “Ssh…it’s okay. I’ve got you,” he says, pulling him close and holding him tight.
“Why did you wake me up?” Gibbs hisses into his shoulder. “All that damn kissing! All those touches…I was doing fine, but you had to go and wake me up. Damn it, it *hurts*, Tony.”
“I know…I know,” Tony says softly. “But you couldn’t stay all locked up like that forever, Jethro.”
Gibbs draws back. “Why the hell not?”
“Well, it was freaking Abby out for a start.” Tony grins. “And me,” he adds, his grin fading. “And you deserve better than that, Jethro. After what you’ve been through, you deserve so much better than being all alone, unable to feel a damn thing, and having to go through the motions and pretend at being who you are because you’ve forgotten how it feels to be the real you.”
“Damn it!” Gibbs turns and walks away, feeling winded. It hurts so much he can barely breathe. He couldn’t handle seeing Tony being attacked after what they went through together, and he can’t handle his own anger, shame, pain, and guilt, either. It’s all too overwhelming. It reminds him of the worst time in his life, after Shannon and Kelly were killed, when he had to shut down just to keep from going under.
He leans against the warehouse wall, struggling for breath, and feels Tony’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing, lending him that same invisible support he’s been giving to him for weeks. He realizes now that is all that has kept him going throughout this case. He might have thought he was doing fine, but he was barely functioning. He was like an automaton, going through the motions, acting at being himself. No wonder Abby was so scared of him.
“I’m here,” Tony says quietly. “I’m not pushing. There’s no pressure. Just come to me when you’re ready. And here.” He puts his hands on Gibbs’s face and draws him in. “Let’s feed that white wolf some more.” He kisses Gibbs softly, sweetly, just once, and then draws back.
There’s no time to talk; they have a job to do. Gibbs somehow manages to force himself back to the car, Tony beside him, still offering him that support, their arms touching as they walk.
After the interrogation and the paperwork are all done it’s nearly two a.m. Gibbs is too tired to think about what happened back at the warehouse. He just goes home, drinks half a bottle of Jack, and throws himself on his mattress in the bathroom to sleep.
He hears a nuzzling sound at the bathroom door a few hours later. He turns over, trying to ignore it, but then it turns into a scratching noise. He buries his head under his blanket, but instead of going away the scratching sound becomes a whimper, which then turns into a howl. He can’t ignore it anymore. He gets up, goes over to the door, and opens it.
There’s a skinny white wolf sitting there, gazing at him dolefully.
“You want to come in, don’t you?” He glares at it. The wolf gets to its feet unsteadily, its body swaying. Gibbs can see its ribs and realizes the creature is half-starved.
The wolf presses its nose into Gibbs’s hand, and he sighs and steps to one side, allowing the wolf to slink into the bathroom. The wolf lies down on the mattress and looks up at him hopefully.
“That’s my damn bed,” Gibbs growls. The wolf gives a little whine and rests its head on its white paws, daring him to kick it off the mattress. Gibbs is too tired to argue. He lies down on the mattress beside the wolf and closes his eyes. He feels the wolf moving closer, and then it lays its head on Gibbs’s shoulder. Gibbs reaches out, wraps his arms around it, and holds it close.
He isn’t sure why, but somehow having the wolf in his arms makes him feel incredibly sad. He buries his face in the wolf’s fur and finds himself crying, great, wrenching sobs that rack his body. His tears disappear into the wolf’s fur, and it nuzzles in even closer, raising its head to lick the tears from Gibbs’s cheeks.
Now he’s started crying he can’t stop; he holds the wolf tight and sobs convulsively into its fur.
He wakes up to find his pillow wet. He feels wrung out, and he’s hurting inside, but at least the world isn’t muffled and numb anymore.
He knows what he has to do. He takes a shower, gets dressed, and walks wearily out to his car. He drives over to Tony’s place, unsure what the hell he’s going to do or say. He isn’t used to being this weak and this vulnerable. He doesn’t like how it feels.
He pulls up outside Tony’s apartment block and is just about to get out of his car when he sees Tony emerging; he’s dressed in one of his work suits, although they’ve been given four days leave following the case, and he’s carrying a bunch of flowers.
Gibbs feels his gut tighten. Where the hell is Tony going? He remembers that Tony had lunch with Greg recently and feels a surge of jealousy. He hates the way he’s at the mercy of his emotions, being buffeted by one blow after another. He feels like he’s hanging in the wind, and if he has to take one more punch then he’ll go down, once and for all.
Tony gets in his car and drives away, and Gibbs’s gut pings uncomfortably. He hasn’t felt his gut making its presence felt in weeks, and he has the distinct feeling something bad is going to happen. Acting on instinct, he puts the car in gear and follows Tony.
Tony pulls up outside a small house half an hour’s drive away. He gets out of the car, and Gibbs sees him visibly bracing himself. He looks as scared and vulnerable as Gibbs feels right now, and Gibbs’s heart goes out to him. It seems his gut was right. What is Tony going to put himself through now?
Tony’s shoulders are hunched, as they have been for days, but Gibbs sees him making a conscious effort to straighten them, standing up tall and proud. Tony takes a deep breath, and then he walks slowly up to the house and knocks on the door.
A tiny Indian lady answers it. She’s dressed in a purple and gold sari, and her eyes fill with tears when she sees Tony. He offers her the flowers.
“Mrs Patel? I’m Tony DiNozzo – we spoke on the phone earlier? I was with your son Rajul when he died. He gave me a message for you.”
“Please…come in…” She stands to one side to let him in, and Gibbs sees Tony take another deep breath, and then he disappears inside the house.
Gibbs rests his head on the steering wheel. Rajul, Steve, Brian, Ben… He’s been trying so hard to forget them while Tony is doing his best to lay their ghosts to rest. He feels a surge of pride for Tony, for all he did to save them, for not forgetting those who didn’t make it out of that nightmare, and for standing by him these past few weeks when he was pushing him away.
Gibbs reaches for his cell phone and makes a call, and then he sits back in his seat and waits.
End of Part Eighteen
Part Nineteen
Friendly feedback adored!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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on Jun. 11th, 2011 07:26 am (UTC)Loved abby calling gibbs pod gibbs. Thank god gibbs has his little band of loyal family members. He needs his wolf pack.
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on Jun. 11th, 2011 07:32 am (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 11th, 2011 08:38 am (UTC)This last section has been a beautiful exposition of the Tony that never lets on when it really hurts, just shifts his burden a little higher on his shoulders and keeps on going; the Tony that has waited ten years for Gibbs without much hope, but refuses to give in, and that's a greater strength than Gibbs has come up against before.
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on Jun. 11th, 2011 11:47 am (UTC)And as the end of the fic shows...in the final fight of all, Tony actually kind of wins *g*.
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on Jun. 11th, 2011 01:30 pm (UTC)I think Tony often underestimates himself, particularly when in comparison to Gibbs, and yet is, at the end of the day stronger than even he knows... and, in this case, stronger than Gibbs knows. Strong enough not to let Gibbs be his own worst enemy.
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on Jun. 26th, 2011 12:32 pm (UTC)I love stories where Tony falls apart and is taken care of by Gibbs as much as the next slashy girl *g* but I wanted to write something a bit different here - because Tony is strong as all hell and it's nice to let that side of him shine too occasionally.
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on Jun. 11th, 2011 08:49 am (UTC)what a highlight because right now I'm actually *sniffing*
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on Jun. 11th, 2011 11:45 am (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 11th, 2011 12:00 pm (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 11th, 2011 09:35 am (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 11th, 2011 11:45 am (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 11th, 2011 11:36 am (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 26th, 2011 12:32 pm (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 11th, 2011 11:51 am (UTC)My favorite parts were all that kissing Tony is doing to Gibbs and of course the scene with the skinny white wolf and Gibbs finally crying.
And it was so sweet of Tony to pay his respects to Rajul's mother.
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on Jun. 26th, 2011 12:33 pm (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 11th, 2011 12:02 pm (UTC)I loved that conversation and that if there is any other who secretly sees into Gibbs, that it is Abby (Well, apart from Ducky, of course, who is a foregone ...)
I love Tony's surprise "attacks" plan - it's the little gestures that wear away at the rock-like resistance that is Gibbs.
Noticed a couple of typos "and fall(s) asleep on the mattress in the bathroom." and "and all he wants to do (h)is protect the person he loves most in the world".
Oh I am very sniffily over Gibbs letting the white wolf in - that was heartbreaking (but healing) and also Tony going to see Mrs Patel! I am so glad you didn't forget that. *sniffles more*
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on Jun. 11th, 2011 12:12 pm (UTC)Heh to all those pretendy analogies - I was rather proud of 'wolf in wolf's clothing' *g*.
And no - I couldn't forget poor Mrs Patel :-)
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on Jun. 11th, 2011 12:11 pm (UTC)Excited to read the next chapter but kind of sad because it's the end.
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on Jun. 26th, 2011 12:34 pm (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 11th, 2011 02:10 pm (UTC)Both of them *hugs the boys*
At least Abby spares some side thoughts for Tony.
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on Jun. 26th, 2011 12:35 pm (UTC)Pain
on Jun. 11th, 2011 07:30 pm (UTC)I do love Tony's tactics to "save" him. All of those small gestures of love are melting Gibbs heart like the spring thaw. Or perhaps a better description is coming in from playing out in the snow for hours on end as a kid. Our feet were frozen and as they warmed back up the pain was almost unbearable.
I's so glad that despite Abby originally not seeing that Gibbs wasn't Gibbs that she finally opened her eyes (and heart) to see what was right in front of her. I felt so bad for her when Gibbs snarled at her.
This comment really got to me:
"When you kiss me, it doesn’t feel like you anymore, Gibbs. It feels like it’s something you’re doing because you know it’s what you *do*, rather than what you want to do.”
Re: Pain
on Jun. 26th, 2011 12:43 pm (UTC)Love the frozen feet analogy - I think that's exactly how Gibbs is feeling now!
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on Jun. 14th, 2011 12:22 am (UTC)I felt bad for Greg getting shut out of Matt's life, but I'm glad he got Tony to see the truth of Gibbs' feelings for him just as his own confidence in them was starting to fail.
Gibbs should be proud of Tony. It won't be easy for him to talk to Mrs Patel, just as it wasn't easy for him to save them, to save Gibbs, and to stick by him while Gibbs locked himself down tight.
I wonder who Gibbs called?
Laura.
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on Jun. 26th, 2011 12:45 pm (UTC)no subject
on Jun. 15th, 2011 09:18 pm (UTC)I also love Tony "stalking" Gibbs, never letting him forget for a minute that he is not alone, and is loved. So lovely. Have a lot more to say about this amazing story, but will wait until I finish reading.
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on Jun. 26th, 2011 12:46 pm (UTC)no subject
on Jul. 24th, 2011 11:04 pm (UTC)Well... it's what came to mind while reading it LOL
I was amazed by the strength Tony' shows here. Not that I didn't think he had it in him. Just that he puts it all out to help Gibbs, to give closure to others, to keep on going himself. He is standing tall... and I'm waiting for the next part in hopes someone will stand by him and be his strength.
Tony is amazing. But still needs to be held, to be loved, so he can continue on living well.
Most of all he needs Gibbs.
This strength of his shone through this part of the story. It was like a bright star in a dark sky. and it was beautiful.
I adored the way it's bringing Gibbs slowly to himself. Helps him feel again, and see reality of the present and not the memories of what is past. The memories that were enclosing him in his own body and mind.
Your writing is as beautiful as the story your mind come up with.
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on Jul. 26th, 2011 04:48 pm (UTC)And yes to Tony's strength - this entire story is a homage to the brave, strong man I know him to be :-). And he and Gibbs need each other, to support and love each other in order to be whole and happy.