Fic: Soul Deep - 5/12

[xanthefic]

1991

It was just a normal afternoon in his student life. Tony had slept late, gotten rid of his conquest of the night before with a big smile and a completely insincere "I'll call you!", and he was now sitting on the couch in his underwear eating a bowl of Captain Crunch while watching re-runs of Magnum on TV.

Shanti was lying on the couch beside him, her tail wafting across his toes every so often. He was talking to her, eating, and doing impressions of Tom Selleck all at the same time.

There was no warning. One minute he was eating and the next he was puking. There was a roaring sound in his head and everything hurt so much he could hardly breathe. He felt desolate; it was like looking into a black hole and being sucked straight in. The next wave of grief was so strong it sent him spinning off the couch onto the floor.

"Shanti?" he screamed. "What’s happening?"

Shanti didn't answer. She just put back her head and howled like her world was coming to an end.

Something was shattered inside. Tony felt broken, and he couldn't move. It was like someone had slammed their fist into his chest and ripped out his heart.

He lay on the floor panting, struggling to breathe and cope with the huge tidal wave of emotions he was experiencing at the same time.

"This isn't me," he gasped to Shanti, pulling her close. "This isn't me feeling this way, Shanti."

"Then it can only be Jethro," she replied, shivering as the aftershocks rocked through them both.

He buried his face in her fur and held on tight. "What's happening to him? Is he dead?"

"I don't think we'd still be feeling like this if he was."

"Injured then? Is he hurt? He’s a Marine; maybe he got shot again."

"It's not physical pain…" Shanti closed her eyes and concentrated. "Tessa is distraught. It's Pell!" She opened her eyes and gazed at Tony, looking stunned. "Pell has gone."

"Shannon is dead?" Tony remembered her red hair and beautiful eyes. He'd only known her for two days, but she'd been kind to him, and Jethro loved her so he had loved her too; life had been much simpler back then. "Jethro must be going insane," he said, feeling like he was going to throw up again. "Shit, Shanti. We have to find him. We have to go to him."

He struggled to get to his feet, pushing away the waves of intense emotion that he knew were not his.

"And do what? "Shanti asked, slowly getting up. "You haven't seen him in thirteen years, Tony. How do you know that he even remembers you?" Her golden eyes held a bitter expression. "Why should he remember you? Or care? What are you to him?"

She had a point. His own father had done his best to erase him from his life – why would Jethro be any different?

Tony shoved away the voices of doubt. "I made a promise," he told Shanti. "To Shannon. At the railway station."

He remembered Shannon looking down at him, smiling. "Look after Jethro when I'm gone!"

"She didn't really mean anything by that," Shanti pointed out reasonably. "Besides, you have no idea where Jethro is."

"I can *find* him," Tony insisted. "I'm good at finding stuff out."

"Well, you're good at finding out what time certain pretty girls finish their classes, and where certain pretty boys work in the evening. Finding Jethro will be harder than that," Shanti told him with a snort.

He pulled up short and turned on her. "Do you really think I can't do this? Because if even you think I'm a worthless shit who only wants to get laid and have a good time then I might as well give up now. Do you think as little of me as everyone else, Shanti?

She blinked in surprise and then nuzzled his hand. "You are my everything," she said softly. "And don't I know, better than anyone else, how you like to hide who you truly are?"

He gave a wry shake of his head at that, remembering how he used to make keep her lion shape hidden. He stroked her soft ears gently. "I'm sorry. I should never have made you do that."

"You made a promise to your mother. I understood – even if it was uncomfortable at times." She gave him a rueful smile. "You still keep the best of yourself hidden, just as you always did – but not from me. You have never fooled me."

She sat back on her haunches and looked up at him with an uncharacteristically serious expression on her face.

“Listen to me, Tony. I know that when you are really determined, you can do anything you want. If I did not think that, I would have stayed a butterfly and flitted wherever my mood took me, never settling down to any one task.”

He smiled, remembering the butterfly she’d once been, fluttering from one thing to the next and hardly stopping still for a second.

“And I know that you are far more than a frat boy who only thinks about getting laid, or I would have stayed a cockatiel, laughing and teasing all the time, never being serious,” Shanti continued in the most serious tone of voice he'd ever heard from her.

“And what happened with your father could have made you bitter, and I would have become a growling bear, always angry with the world." She paused to give a little growl. "Or I could have stayed a golden retriever – loyal and faithful and true, a constant companion. All of those forms are elements of you and in you, but I didn’t take any of them, Tony.

He looked down on his magnificent lioness of a daemon, so big, and brave, and beautiful, and understood what she was trying to tell him. He leaned down, took her head between his hands, and kissed her soft fur.

"Thank you, Shanti. Thank you for believing in me."

Then he turned and ran up the stairs to get dressed.

~*~

Leroy stared out of the window at the roses in the back yard. They needed pruning. When had he last been home? Why hadn’t he pruned them then?

People were moving around in his house behind him, whispering and casting furtive glances in his direction. He ignored them.

Tessa sat beside him, leaning into him for support. Every now and then she let out an involuntary whine, but he didn't comfort her. How could he? He couldn't make anything better.

Other people's daemons were hushed, under firm control. Birds stayed perched on shoulders, dogs and cats stuck close to people's sides, and mice, rabbits, beetles and various other smaller daemons were tucked into coat pockets.

It was cold outside, even for February. There was talk of snow. He never thought he'd miss the heat and sweat of the Gulf, but now he found he did. He didn't want to be here, in this house they'd once shared. He couldn't be here, all alone.

"Not alone," Tessa said softly.

"You know what I mean," he replied.

"Yes."

She dropped her nose to the floor and found one of Kelly's colouring pencils that must have rolled under the table. She nudged it forward and then rested her chin on the floor and gazed at it glumly.

"We cannot stay here," he told her.

"No. We cannot stay here," she agreed.

They had flown him back from Iraq on compassionate leave to bury his family. He had gone straight to the morgue to identify the bodies; Major Ryan had accompanied him.

"You don't have to do this, sir," he had said. The major's huge eagle daemon had folded her wings and gazed at him steadily from her fierce dark eyes.

"Not letting you go in there alone, Gunny. Never left a man behind yet. Don't intend to now."

That was as much as the major would ever say about their friendship, but Leroy understood.

He had seen dead bodies before, plenty of them. He knew what dead people looked like. Even so, nothing prepared him for seeing the dead bodies of his family. Shannon was badly injured; she looked like a china doll shattered into pieces, completely broken. Kelly wasn't though. There was hardly a mark on her, although her internal injuries had been severe. What struck him most of all, as he looked down on them lying there, cold and unmoving, was that they didn't have their daemons.

Pell had always been close by, sitting on Shannon's shoulder, grooming her hair with his beak. Evan had been energetic and changeable, like all kids' daemons. Sometimes he had been a sweet-natured rabbit hiding in Kelly's sweater; or a turtle with a tough shell, trying to keep the world out when Kelly was feeling vulnerable; or a brightly-coloured canary, flying around the room, singing sweetly at the top of his voice.

Now they were gone. It was only in that moment, seeing his wife and daughter without their daemons, that Leroy fully grasped the fact that they were dead. He'd been walking around in a numb haze ever since.

Major Ryan's wife had organized the funeral and the wake. He'd just turned up, wearing his dress uniform, every button sparkling. Tessa kept bumping into things, so lost in grief that she was unable to see what was in front of her face.

Now they were back at the house he’d once shared with his family, and although it was full of people he’d never felt more alone.

Leroy saw his father's daemon out of the corner of his eye. She was bumbling towards him, and he wanted to go and kick her across the room. His anger and grief was white hot, and there was only one person in the room he loved enough to launch it at. That sounded insane, even inside his own mind, but at times like this it was only family you could really be yourself with, however ugly that self was right now.

"Pack," Tessa said quietly.

He felt Jackson's hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, son."

He turned, his grief honed to a fine white point. He glanced over Jackson's shoulder at the date he'd brought to the funeral, like it was some kind of social event.

"I can see that," he sneered.

His father's blue eyes were unwavering, and he squeezed Leroy's shoulder. Meldra tried to rub her feathers against Tessa's fur, but Tessa snapped at her with her jaws, pushing her away.

"What will you do now, son?" Jackson asked gently.

"Now?" Leroy looked out of the window at the roses that needed pruning and then down at the floor at Kelly's lost colouring pencil. "Now I'll go back to Kuwait and fight. I'm a Marine; that's what Marines do."

"Go back…?" Jackson looked horrified. "Son, I don't think that's wise. Surely the Corps can give you some time off? It can't be right that you go back into a war zone in your current frame of mind. You might…" he broke off, looking anxious.

"Might what?" Leroy raised an eyebrow, deliberately trying to goad his father into the argument he wanted so badly, as an outlet for some of the anger he was feeling right now. It wasn’t Jackson’s fault that Shannon and Kelly were dead, but he was here, and Leroy needed to let some of it out.

"You might get yourself killed, son," Jackson said softly. "Please…think it through. I'm worried about you."

"Don't. I'm going back to Kuwait to be with my unit. My *family* – the only one I've got left now, anyway." Leroy chose the words deliberately, intending to wound his father, and he knew he'd succeeded. Jackson took a step back, his mouth opening and closing in shock.

Major Ryan came over and stood beside him, unobtrusively giving his support.

"Major – surely you don’t think it’s right that Leroy should go back to the war after this," Jackson said desperately. "I can’t be a good idea in his current mental state!"

"If he passes a psych evaluation then I think it'd be best for him," Ryan said firmly. "He's a Marine – he should be doing what he does best."

At least nobody said the phrase "it'll take his mind off it", as if this was some kind of minor disappointment and not his entire life falling apart. For that he was grateful.

"Son…" his father began again, in that 'reasonable' tone of voice he always adopted whenever he was about to tell him he was wrong and should listen to his old man.

"Those roses need pruning," Leroy said abruptly.

He grabbed some shears from the cupboard, opened the door, and went outside into the freezing yard with Tessa shivering by his side.

~*~

Tony tried Stillwater first. He tracked down the number of the store and spent a couple of days calling it, but there was no reply. He didn't have enough money to pay for gas, and his car was held together by rubber bands and rope, so he hitch-hiked to get there. He used that big smile and the charm he had inherited from his father to get rides; it was slow-going, but he got there.

It felt strange being back after all these years. Main Street seemed much shorter than when he'd been a kid. Then it had seemed to stretch on forever, especially when he'd been returning from a long day messing around in the woods with Jethro, and he knew that one of Jackson's home cooked meals was waiting for him at the store.

His heart sank as he went up to the store this time and found that it was all locked up.

He stood there for a few minutes, wondering what to do next. Shanti looked up and down the street. "Maybe we should ask? Someone might know where he is?"

Tony went into the dress shop nearby and plastered his most charming smile on his face. The young woman behind the counter melted immediately.

"Jackson Gibbs? Yes, he had to close up to go to visit his son. Family tragedy." Her voice dropped, and she leaned forward and spoke in a whisper. "His daughter-in-law and grand-daughter were killed in a car accident a few days ago. Terrible thing." She shook her head.

Tony put his hand down and found Shanti's head reassuringly nearby. Jethro had lost his child as well? He could still remember the day the baby had been born and that feeling of intense joy. No wonder Jethro’s grief had been so intense; to lose his entire family in one go like that...

"His daughter-in-law used to work here, you know," the girl continued. "One summer, about ten or twelve years ago. She did the job I do now." She looked shocked that anything bad could happen to someone who'd worked in her store.

"Do you know when the funeral is taking place?" Tony asked.

The girl glanced at her watch. "Right about now. In DC." She made a sad little face. "Poor Jackson. He was always talking about his family – he loved that little grand-daughter of his so much. He used to show me so many photographs of that little girl. Kelly her name was – she was such a pretty little thing; big blue eyes…."

Tony managed to charm the address from the girl, and then he went back outside with Shanti.

He took off immediately, hitch-hiking to DC, and made his way to the address he'd been given. It was an old house, mostly plain but with decorative touches in the wood and the window glass. So this was where Jethro lived.

Tony stood outside the door, his heart beating too fast. Now that he was here he didn't know what do or say. Would Jethro think he was crazy to come beating on his door after all this time? Would he understand why he was here? And what the hell use did he think he'd be anyway? The man had just lost his wife and daughter. Why would he want to see Tony, of all people, at a time like this? Tony had absolutely nothing to offer except his condolences.

"You've come this far," Shanti said. "Might as well knock."

He took a deep breath and did as she said and then waited. And waited. There was no reply. The house looked locked up, and all the drapes were closed.

"Maybe he's out," Shanti said.

"Maybe." He sat down on the step, wondering what the hell to do next. He sat there for a couple of hours, waiting for someone to come home, but nobody appeared. Then, finally, a neighbour emerged from the next door house.

"You looking for Leroy Gibbs?" The man's mouse daemon scuttled over to them, stood up on her hind paws, and looked at them curiously.

"Is he here?" Tony got to his feet.

"Left a few hours ago."

"When will he be back?" Tony asked. "Can I stay here and wait?"

The man snorted. "You can, but you'll be there a long time. He's gone back to Kuwait."

Tony stared at him. "He's fighting out there? In Desert Storm?"

"Yup." The man nodded. "Took off with his commanding officer earlier today to go back."

"But…after what happened?" Tony put his hand down and stroked Shanti's head.

"I know. Damn shame. She was a nice lady, and the kid was a little sweetheart." The man shook his head. He leaned towards Tony, a conspiratorial look on his face. "They say it was murder."

"What?" Tony blinked. "I thought…I heard it was a car accident."

The neighbour shook his head. "Mrs. Gibbs witnessed a drug killing a couple of weeks ago. I heard she was in the car with the federal agent investigating the case, and he was shot – that's how the crash happened."

Tony felt Shanti's head nudging his hand for reassurance in the face of this shocking news.

"How was Leroy?" he asked. “How did he look when you saw him leave?”

"Like he was going to kill himself, or the rest of the world, or both," the man replied. "I pity those Iraqis. I reckon he's a one man killing machine right now."

"I can believe that. Okay…well…thanks." Tony left, with one hand resting lightly on Shanti's head as they walked.

"You can’t hitch-hike to Kuwait," she told him firmly.

"I know." Tony stopped and took one last look at the house. "I tried to keep my promise, Shannon," he said quietly. "I did try."

He thought he saw a kestrel out of the corner of his eye, flying around in circles above his head, but when he looked up he saw it was just the branches of a tree, shaking in the cold February wind.


~*~

The next few weeks were a blur. He fought hard – he relished the fighting – it was all that was keeping him sane. He enjoyed the slippery feeling of blood on his rifle and the sensation of killing. He knew that Major Ryan was worried about him, knew they all were, but he didn't care.

He didn't care about anything, least of all himself. It didn't matter if he lived or died now. He could see that with absolute clarity. He wouldn't take his own life – Tessa wouldn't allow him to do that – but if died serving his country, then that'd be fine by him.

He volunteered for every single dangerous mission going and succeeded in every single damn one of them. He lost count of the number of men he killed, and the numbers of daemons that turned to dust in front of his eyes. He was anger, rage, pain and grief all rolled into one, and he wanted his enemies to know how that felt.

Then one day he was running stealthily across the desert when a loud, booming sound rocked him back. Next thing he knew he was flying through the air with Tessa by his side. He saw that her fur was smoking and heard her screaming in pain – and after that the whole world went dark.

~*~

Tony awoke with the scream dying in his throat. Beside him, Shanti was howling.

“Is the house on fire? Are we burning?” It felt that way. His face and hands felt blistered. He looked around, but everything was quiet. He felt another brief flash of searing pain and then…nothing. Nothing at all. “Jethro.” He grabbed Shanti’s head and looked into her eyes. “Can you feel Tessa?”

“No.” Shanti shook her head.

“Then he's dead?”

“No!” she protested.

“How do you know?”

“Because we would feel it,” Shanti said stubbornly.

“Why? He’s just a guy I knew for a week when I was a kid. Maybe I built it all up in my head to be more than it ever was. Just one week. That’s how long I knew him.”

“No. He’s Jethro. He saved us that night…” She shivered, and he put his arms around her neck and hugged her tight. Neither of them liked thinking about that night. “Tessa said we were pack.”

“You’re right.” He got up and started pulling on his clothes.

“Where are we going?” She jumped off the bed and padded over to him.

“I made a promise to Shannon, and this time I’m going to keep it. I don’t *care* if I have to hitch-hike all the way to Kuwait. We’re going to find him, and we’re damn well going to make sure he’s okay.”

~*~

It felt good here. Dark. Peaceful. Quiet.

“You always did like quiet,” Tessa said.

“And you.”

Over there, in the distance, was a bright light, but he was too far away and couldn’t reach it. And over there, behind him, was the way he’d come, and he had no intention of going back there. Ever.

If they stayed here, they would be fine. It was like being wrapped in a big blanket; everything felt dark, muffled and warm.

“We will stay then,” she said. He couldn’t see her, but he could feel her in his mind. He imagined her putting her chin on his leg and resting it there.

“Yes. There’s nothing to go back for.”

“Once we had pack,” she whispered sadly.

“Once. Not anymore.”

He was estranged from his father, and he’d lost his mate and cub.

Nobody needed him now. There was no reason to return.

~*~

Tony smiled at the nurse, and the man’s sheep daemon fluttered her eyelashes at Shanti. With much perseverance, he had tracked Jethro down to Bethesda Naval Hospital, and he was damned if he was going to be turned back now, when he was so close.

“Look, I just need to see him,” he said beseechingly.

The nurse was clearly attracted to him, but he was also, just as clearly, someone who didn’t like breaking the rules. “Are you a relative?”

“Yes,” Tony said firmly.

“Really?” The nurse looked sceptical. “Can you prove it?”

“No. I mean…look, it’s complicated.”

“If you’re not a relative then I can’t let you in there.”

Tony glanced along the hallway. Just behind that door over there was a man he hadn’t seen in thirteen years but was desperate to see now.

“Can you at least tell me his condition?” he asked.

The nurse shook his head. “Confidential.”

“But he’s in a coma?”

The nurse frowned and looked at his notes. “How do you know that?”

“I can feel it,” Tony replied honestly.

The nurse looked up, an intrigued expression in his eyes, and Tony decided that for once, honesty might be better than a lie, or a scheme, or one of his father’s con tricks.

“He touched my daemon once, when I was a child,” he explained. The nurse’s eyes widened in horror. “Oh, it was a good thing!” Tony said hurriedly. “He’s a good man. He saved my life that day, and…well, I’d like to return the favour, if I can.”

The nurse looked at the notes again and then back at Tony. “I shouldn’t tell you this, but I’m going to anyway. He IS in a coma, but nobody knows why. His injuries aren’t severe enough to keep him unconscious like this for so long. He’s got a broken leg and some burns, and he had a mild concussion, but nobody knows why he won’t wake up.”

“I know why,” Tony said. “Please…let me see him.”

Shanti leaned forward and pressed her nose against the sheep’s black nose.

“Please,” Tony said again.

The nurse took a quick look around, and then he gave a swift nod. He took hold of Tony’s arm and led him along the hallway. He opened the door to Jethro’s room and pushed Tony inside.

“You’ve got five minutes. I’m going to go to the restroom. If anyone catches you here, tell them you gave me the slip. I’ll deny that I let you in. Understood?”

“Yes. Thank you!” Shanti swiped a lick over the sheep’s ear, and the nurse walked back down the hallway.

Tony shut the door and stood there in the semi-darkness. The lights from the machine around the bed lit it up, casting blue and red dots over the man lying there, and the huddled shape of his daemon beside him.

Tony walked slowly towards the bed. Thirteen years…it was a long time. Was he right about this? Maybe Jethro didn’t even remember him.

“He remembers,” Shanti said quietly.

“That’s just what you hope – you don’t know that.”

He reached the side of the bed and looked down on the man who’d rescued him all those years ago. Jethro’s hair had smudges of silver at the temples. His eyes were closed, and there were some painful-looking burns on his face. He looked old – old, and tired, and sad.

“He’s only thirty-three,” Shanti said. “He’s not *that* old.”

“When I last saw him he was younger than I am now, and he seemed so grown-up to me back then. I still feel like a big kid, but he never seemed that way.”

“You *are* still a big kid,” she said.

He made a face at her. “Thank you, Shanti.”

Tessa looked smaller now than he remembered her as a child. He’d always thought her huge, but he realized he’d been looking at her from a child’s perspective. She was still a big daemon but lying here, on this hospital bed, she looked squashed and diminished. He realized then that it was partly the force of her quiet but determined personality that had made her seem so big.

Shanti leapt soundlessly onto the bed. She sniffed Tessa’s burnt fur, and then she lay down beside the wolf, curling up close to her. She gently touched her mouth to Tessa’s head and then flicked out her tongue and licked one of Tessa’s ears.

There was no reaction; Tessa didn’t so much as flick her ear in response.

Tony reached out and touched Jethro’s hand. “Hey…Leroy…Jethro…oh, hell, I don’t know what to call you. Look, it’s me. Tony. Remember me? Because I sure as hell remember you!”

There was no reply. Jethro didn’t move – he didn’t even twitch. Tony *did* remember. He remembered this man trying to rouse him from his traumatised, unconscious state thirteen years ago, and how he hadn’t been able to reach him. And he remembered what Jethro had eventually done in order to bring him back.

“I have to touch Tessa,” he told Shanti. “Is that okay?” The taboo against touching another person’s daemon was so strong, and this man lying here on the bed looked like such a stranger to him, that it felt wrong.

“You have no choice,” Shanti replied. “I can feel Tessa in there somewhere, but she is far away, and I do not believe that they ever intend to come back.”

Tony took a deep breath and then, without hesitating, he gently placed his hands on Tessa’s body.

It felt strange. It had been thirteen years since he’d last touched another person’s daemon with his bare hands, when Tessa had licked him goodbye back in Stillwater. Now, her fur felt dull and coarse under his fingers. He paused for a second, wondering what to do next. What had Jethro done all those years ago?

“Tessa,” he said softly. “I need Jethro to wake up.”

Tessa whimpered but didn’t move. "Hush, Tessa…you're okay. It’s me, Tony. I’m here. You’re safe."

A flood of images and emotions suddenly overwhelmed his senses. He was screaming in the desert and then standing by a graveside. It was freezing cold, and he was pruning rose bushes. Once he started, he couldn’t stop, and he kept on cutting them until they were nothing more than stubs sticking out of the soil. Then someone came and led him back into the warmth of a house.

“Come back now,” Tony said. “Come back from wherever you are. Let me lead you back home.”

A deep sense of loss shook him to his core as he said the word ‘home’. He felt Shanti’s tongue on his cheek, reminding him that she was there, grounding him. He took a deep breath and stroked Tessa’s fur, allowing her essence to wash over him again.

It was dark, and he was alone here, just him and Tessa. There was no point in going back, because they were dead. He had no pack to go back for…

“You have me,” he said softly. “I’m pack.”

He felt her sense of questioning.

“Come back for me. I’m here. I’m pack,” he repeated urgently.

There was a noise in the hallway, and he knew he was running out of time.

“Jethro!” he said desperately. “It’s Tony! Come back! Please!”

There were voices outside the door – he could make out the nurse talking to someone with a deep, strong voice. He saw the fluttering of a bird through the shaded glass, and his heart soared in hope. Maybe Jackson was here with Meldra. Maybe between them they could make Jethro see sense.

The door opened and that hope disappeared again. There was a man standing there in a Marine uniform, with a huge eagle daemon hovering above his shoulder. Tony could see from his insignia that he was a major.

“Who the hell are you? Get away from him!” the major ordered. “Damn it, you’re touching his daemon! What kind of a sick bastard, are you?”

He ran over to the bed and yanked Tony’s hands off Tessa’s body. Tony felt the abrupt separation from her consciousness and almost fell over from the suddenness of the dislocation.

“You don’t understand. I know him!”

He twisted in the major’s grasp as he was manhandled out of the room. Behind him he could hear Shanti whimpering as the massive eagle grabbed one of her ears in her beak and dragged her out of the room too. The major released him, and Shanti bounded into his arms. Tony crouched on the floor, his back against the wall, trying to get his breath back.

“What the hell were you doing?” the major demanded.

“Trying to bring him back! I knew him once…a long time ago…” It sounded ridiculous, even to his own ears.

The major crossed his arms over his chest and frowned down on him. “I should call the police, but hell, you’re just a kid. You say you know Leroy?”

Tony nodded, stroking Shanti’s sore ear repeatedly to soothe the pain. The eagle daemon flew around his head threateningly, her huge wingspan blotting out the overhead lighting.

“You’ve got two minutes. Explain.”

Tony tried to do just that. He crammed everything he could into his explanation, but he doubted it made much sense. Who would believe that he and the man lying in that hospital bed were linked in some strange way because of one incident, a long time ago, however traumatic that incident had been? It sounded bizarre, like some ludicrous, made-up story.

“And you say you tracked him down after not seeing him for thirteen years?” The major was giving him a look of grudging admiration. Tony nodded, slowly. “I like your perseverance, kid, insane though this whole thing sounds. You’d make a good Marine – or a cop.” He grinned. “Look – no harm’s been done, and you seem sincere enough, if a little crazy. Get out of here now, and I won’t call the police.”

Tony glanced beseechingly at the door to Leroy’s room. “Can’t I just…”

“I mean it! Beat it.” The major nudged him with his boot, and his eagle daemon flew down and pecked Shanti’s rump. She gave a growl and swatted the eagle away, but the point had been made.

Tony knew he didn’t have a choice. He got up, and, with one last glance at the closed door, he and Shanti left.

~*~

Light. Leroy opened his eyes a fraction and then closed them again.

"Tessa?"

“I am here.” Her voice was barely more than a strained whisper. He moved his fingers and felt a sense of peace descend on him as his bare skin came into contact with her familiar fur.

“Where…are…we?” His own voice sounded hoarse.

“Gunny?” Someone was standing beside him. He opened his eyes again and saw an eagle daemon, circling overhead. “Gunny – you okay? Here.” Major Ryan pressed a glass of water to his lips, and he drank from it eagerly. “Damn it, Gunny, you gave us a scare.”

“Where…?” Leroy looked around. He was missing something important, but he had Tessa. What else was there? What was missing?

“You’re at Bethesda. We flew you back a few days ago. You’re going to be fine. Got a busted leg and a few burns and bruises, but you’ll be fine.”

“What happened?” Leroy croaked.

“You don’t remember?”

Leroy shook his head and then wished he hadn’t as a spike of pain shot through his skull. Tessa whimpered and pressed against his fingertips.

“You were caught in an explosion. Got a concussion. The doctors said you probably wouldn’t remember the actual incident.”

“Don’t. Just remember the dark…and someone calling my name,” Leroy whispered. “Must'a been you.”

Major Ryan gazed at him thoughtfully. “Well, could be…”

“I quit.” Leroy interrupted him.

“What?” Ryan’s eagle swooped down and landed on the major’s shoulder. She was too big to perch there, so she hovered just above it. Ryan leaned in close. “Look, Gunny, you’ve been through a tough time, but…”

“I’m leaving the Corps,” Leroy repeated firmly. “I’m a liability out there, sir, and you know it. One of these days I’ll get the whole unit blown up, not just me. I’ve put in the years. Let me go.”

Leroy closed his eyes. It didn’t matter what Ryan said. They’d let him go. He was a Marine in his heart, and he always would be, but right now he wasn’t a very good one, and he had no intention of hurting his unit or disgracing the Corps. His father had been right all along, damn it; he needed some time out.

Tessa rested her chin on his thigh. “You’re doing the right thing.”

“I know.”

He didn’t know what the future would bring, but he felt more at peace now than he had since Shannon and Kelly had been killed. They were gone. He could kill every enemy soldier who crossed his path but it wouldn’t change anything. They would still be gone. He would just have to find something else to live for now.

He fell asleep and dreamed of a child chasing his puppy daemon through the woods.

~*~

Tony returned to his old life, but something had changed. It was like he'd proved something to himself that he'd always known but never tested before. He could have ignored what Jethro was experiencing and just gone on with his empty, pleasure-filled life, but he hadn't. He'd risen to the challenge instead of avoiding it.

"He helped you once, and now you have helped him in return," Shanti said, resting her head on his lap.

"Yeah…maybe that's it," Tony said, idly scratching her behind the ears. He liked the way his own ears tingled in response. "Maybe that's what this whole thing has been about, and now the circle has been squared or something and it's all over."

"You don't think we'll feel him and Tessa again?" She didn't look too happy about that thought.

"I dunno. Maybe. I just wish I'd got to speak to him, but the major's daemon was very intimidating."

Shanti threw back her head and roared at the top of her voice, taking him by surprise. Tony put his hands over his ears, and gazed at her, startled. She stopped roaring and turned back to him.

"Your daemon can be intimidating too," she said quietly. "You just don't like letting people see that."

"Maybe I haven't changed as much as I thought, huh?" he said, remembering how he'd kept her hidden as a child. He wished he knew how to access this side of himself without scaring everyone away – hell, without scaring *himself*.

"You should just accept what you are," Shanti replied, in that way daemons had of suggesting something that sounded very simple and yet was incredibly difficult to actually *do*.

Tony didn't have a reply for her but when he made his annual phone call to his father he found that he did at least have the answer to a different question.

"I hope you've got a job lined up, Tony," his father said, sounding like the same old broken record. "Because when you leave college you won't be getting another dime from me. I had to make my own way in life, and you'll have to do the same. So you'd better damn well figure out what you're going to do."

"I have," Tony replied. Shanti glanced up at him in surprise. Tony remembered how good it had been to track Jethro down, and wheedle his way into his hospital room, and he remembered what that Marine major had said to him. He smiled. "I'm going to be a cop."

~*~

When they finally released him from Bethesda, he went straight to the cemetery where they were buried. He swung his way to their graves on crutches, Tessa limping heavily by his side.

Immediately after they'd been killed, he'd been too out of it to take much in. He'd gone back to Kuwait to take his revenge, instead of directing it at the person who deserved it most.

"Revenge… well, you *were* looking for something to live for," Tessa murmured.

"It'll do," he said, staring down at their gravestones.

Tessa leaned against him. "For now.”

He glanced down at her. “You think I’m doing the wrong thing?”

“No.” Her eyes were stone cold as she gazed back up at him. “If I thought you were doing the wrong thing I’d tell you.” The expression in her eyes changed, becoming full of grief. “Someone killed Shannon and Kelly!” She let out a broken howl that summed up exactly how he was feeling. “Someone killed Shannon and Kelly, and they must pay for it. And when it’s over…” She shook out her fur in an approximation of a shrug.

“Yeah.” He put his hand on her head and stroked gently, just once.

He couldn't think beyond the immediate future. If revenge was all there was to live for then he'd take it, and to hell with what happened after. If he had to spend the rest of his life in prison then he would. It wasn't as if his life meant that much to him now anyway.

NIS agent Mike Franks had slicked back dark hair and a sharp, pointed nose. His daemon was a squat, scrappy mongrel of a dog with white fur that looked grey in places – Leroy couldn’t tell if that was a darker fur colour or just plain dirt. She had bandy legs, one ear that listed over as if it had been bitten, and a pair of small, beady, dark eyes. She was definitely not the kind of daemon you’d like to meet down a dark alley one night.

Franks showed him the battered, blood-stained car his family had died in, and Leroy clamped down hard on his emotions and took in everything the NIS agent told him. Revenge was a dish best served cold; he couldn't allow his hot temper to interfere with his goal.

"Your wife witnessed the murder of a Marine. Drug related," Franks said, taking a long drag on his cigar. His daemon found a discarded soda can on the ground, picked it up in her mouth, and crunched down on it hard with her teeth. The can was instantly crushed between her squat jaws.

"I assigned an NIS agent to protect her…sniper shot him while he was driving the car, causing the crash that killed them." Franks blew out the cigar smoke like he was spitting teeth, and his daemon took another crunch on the soda can. "Can't tell you how sorry I am, Gunny," he said, and Leroy believed him. "Apologising's a sign of weakness, so you won't hear me say it again, but your wife was a brave woman and damn helpful to us. Whole thing stinks."

"Who did it?" Leroy didn't need the man's apologies. "I want a name."

Franks looked at him for a moment, as if weighing him up, and then sighed. He threw the cigar on the ground and stubbed it out with his foot. "Pedro Hernandez."

He took Leroy back up to his office, talking about the case as they walked, flicking through the file in his hand.

"So this bastard has fucked off back to Mexico and there's nothing the hell NIS can do about it?" Leroy snapped as Franks closed his office door behind them.

Franks's daemon came over to Tessa and stood in front of her, nose to nose, studying her. Tessa looked that squat mongrel straight in her gimlet eyes and didn't back down. Franks grunted. Then he threw the file down on his desk.

"That's about it, Gunny. Hernandez is out of our reach."

Leroy gazed at him stonily. "But you know where he is."

"Yeah. We know where he is." Franks gave a slow, deliberate glance at the file on his desk.

"Where?"

"Aw, Gunny, you know I can't tell you that."

"I'm not asking you to tell me." Gibbs glanced at the file and then back at Franks.

Franks gave him one last, searching stare and then nodded. "I need to take a leak. We'll talk about it some more when I get back."

He left the room, and Gibbs picked up the file and memorized the details. He was long gone by the time Franks got back.

~*~

"SHIT! What the hell was that?" Tony was in the shower, getting ready for a hot date when he felt a sensation of darkly grim satisfaction combined with a stab of such raw pain that it took his breath away. He stepped out of the steaming water and looked at Shanti, who was pacing around the bathroom in an agitated state.

"Revenge," Shanti said bleakly.

"Jethro." Tony sat down beside her and grabbed her head for reassurance. She nuzzled in close against his neck. "Oh fuck. What did he go and do, Shanti?"

"I think he killed someone." Her expression was one of shock but not surprise.

"Jethro?" Tony frowned. "Jethro isn't a murderer, Shanti!"

She pulled back and looked at him. "Revenge…whoever he killed was the person he held responsible for the death of his family."

"Oh." Tony leaned back against the bath tub, one hand resting on her neck. "Maybe I did the wrong thing, bringing him back," he said softly. "Shit, Shanti – did I do the wrong thing? Maybe he was better off in a coma."

"No."

"But supposing he gets caught? He could spend the rest of his life behind bars – or worse."

"I think…" Shanti paused. "Knowing Jethro, I think he is the only one who knows about this. I doubt he'll get caught."

"We know." Tony gazed at her. "Damn it, Shanti – I'm going to become a fucking cop!"

"But you will not tell anyone," Shanti said, a wry expression in her eyes.

"No." Tony kissed her soft forehead. "I won't tell anyone."

~*~

Leroy experienced one brief moment of intense satisfaction as Pedro Hernandez’s head exploded and blood spat out all over the truck’s shattered windshield, but then the moment passed. Almost immediately the grief flooded back in again, taking him by surprise, and he turned away from what he'd done and screamed at the top of his lungs. Beside him, Tessa threw back her head and howled.

After they'd both finished howling, they huddled together, side by side, riding out the storm of emotion.

"I thought taking revenge would make me feel better," he told her.

"I know. But it doesn't." She gave a whine in the back of her throat.

"They're still dead," he said bleakly.

"Yes – and it still hurts."

He hauled himself to his feet and glanced at the shattered truck, but he already knew that his aim had been true, and Hernandez was dead.

"At least there's one less scumbag out there." He gave a satisfied grunt.

“He will not be missed,” she agreed as they walked away, leaving the bloody body of Pedro Hernandez in his truck far behind.

"So now what?" she asked, as he returned to the empty house he'd once shared with his family. "Now that the revenge is over…what do we find to live for now?"

"Justice," he replied, and she nodded, understanding immediately, as he'd known she would.

Killing Hernandez had awoken a passion for justice in him that he hadn't even been aware of. Looking back, he realized it had always been there but his greater passion for the Marines had overshadowed it. Losing Shannon and Kelly had simply sharpened it to a finer point, and made it a greater priority in his life.

Mike Franks glanced up when he knocked on his office door. The NIS agent knew that he'd killed Hernandez; Leroy could see it in his daemon's gimlet eyes.

"Back again, Marine?" Franks raised an eyebrow, and Leroy could see him clearly wondering what the hell he was doing here. The job was done – the last thing Franks wanted was some kind of tearful confession.

"Not a Marine anymore."

"Once a Marine always a Marine," Franks said sharply.

"True." Leroy grunted. "I'm not in the Corps anymore though. That's why I'm here."

"Ah…you're looking for a job!" A sneaky smile spread over Franks's face. "You've got good timing; I'm looking for a new probie."

"Probie?"

"Probationary agent. Need someone to schlep my bags and get my damn coffee. You up to that, Gunny?"

"Gibbs," he replied sharply.

"I don't care what the hell you're called as long as you do a good job." Franks stared at him from narrowed dark eyes.

His daemon was only half Tessa's height, but she barreled over to Tessa and stood in front of her, baring her teeth. She made a growling sound in the back of her throat, and Tessa went down on her paws with only a slight whine of protest. Gibbs accepted the chain of command, always had. He'd be this man's probationary agent and carry his bags and get his coffee – and that way he'd learn from the best.

“I will, Boss,” Gibbs said firmly.

Franks gave a laugh. "Yeah, I think you will. Hell, I like you, Gibbs. You're a pain in the ass, but I understand what makes you tick. We'll do just fine together."

He left the office with a job offer in his pocket and a whole new identity waiting for him. He had months of training ahead of him but when they were done he'd be Special Agent Gibbs.

He wasn't 'Gunny' anymore. He wasn't Leroy anymore, either. He'd left his unit and deliberately turned his back on his old friendships. Hell, he'd even turned his back on his own father. There was nobody left who called him Leroy now.

And as for Jethro…only Shannon was allowed to call him that, and she was gone.

"And Tony," Tessa told him softly.

He glanced down at her, surprised, but could feel himself hardening inside. "Haven't thought about Tony in a long time, and I doubt he's thought about me, either. The kid's probably forgotten I even exist. It was years ago, Tessa. Past's over; time to move on."

"He is pack," Tessa said stubbornly.

Gibbs felt his jaw tightening. "I don't have a pack anymore," he growled at her.

Tony was long gone, his family was dead, and he was estranged from his father.

He was a lone wolf again.

~*~

End of Part Five
Part Six
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