The pain is so real that I can almost taste it, in some parts of this. It feels close, and intimate and so personal to me in a way I didn't expect to!
It's not the abuse, though it's harsh and painful. It's the desolation of losing yourself in daily life, knowing that if you stop only for a moment to actually think about it, you'll have to admit that you are not happy, that you are still that sad kid somehow, and that you need to learn to survive, instead of only coping.
Sorry, I'm sure this is confusing. English is not my first language, but I hope you get what I'm trying to express here.
Thank you for writing it and for sharing it with us.